Sunday, March 17, 2013

Clyde Webb's Descent into Easycore Hell

This, my friends, is part one of Clyde Webb's Descent into Easycore Hell.


Sometimes at night I get lost in an easycore hell. It usually starts with Chunk! No, Captain Chunk! And end with me feeling uncomfortable. Easycore is catchy as fuck and sucks you in the stupid breakdowns make you bang your head. 

I started this descent with the song Captain Blood by Chunk. I really like the stupid bouncy guitars and how the vocals just sound like he's saying a lot of vowels, he might be singing in french because they're from France but I don't speak french so whatever. I have no clue what he's saying ever. The chorus has really bad New Found Glory type singing which is kinda cool. 
Comments on a lot of easycore videos are hella fucking funny. Like this one by YouTube user JaseyVegas “I love Chunk! No, Captain Chunk! and I don't see why you all dislike them so much. They have their own sound and I think it's very original and amazing. Please don't compare them to One Direction, because they at least have talent and One Direction don't. One Direction is a boy band that only got famous because they are good looking and they sing stupid songs that they didn't even write themselves. So shut up and get off this video if you don't like the music.” Damn straight.

The next video I went to was Pee Wee Gaskins-Sebuah Rahasia. This wasn't easycore but it was really emotional sounding rock that wasn't in english. All of the YouTube comments were in some language that I've never seen and the only english I saw said “LAST CHILD” “FANS” and “gay party dorks”. I definitely recommend Pee Wee Gaskins if you like emotional sounding music in a foreign (or maybe your own?) language. 

I clicked the back button and couldn't find any easycore videos so I searched for this one video that also pulls me into an easycore hell: Times New Roman “Five Four Bros”. The song starts out with a sick ass riff and the drummer hitting some water or something off of the drums. The other singer has a nose ring and is kinda cute. The lead singer looks like some actor but I can't think of this name. I like the way the nose ring dude dresses and he seems like a cool dude. The keyboard player is in all ADIDAS shit so that's rad. Around 1:20 the cute one mumbles something that I can't really understand except “and I can see you with my own, my own two eyes.” They all look at the camera a lot which is kinda weird. The drummer has a stupid hat. The breakdown is very fun. This song is about not getting a job, I think. Except the lyrics talk about how long distance is toooo far awaaaay from home, from home! The song was over so I looked in the related videos for something equally horrible and pleasing.

I clicked on City Lights-Where You've Been. It starts with stupid piano but then turns into fast rock. This is kinda cool but the harmonies are hella processed. A lot of head banging. The back-up singe has a nose ring and the lead singer has a full sleeve. They're very alternative. They're playing in a garage but I think they're going to a party because there is a lot of scenes where they get alcohol. There are a lot of very cool, very edgy, very alternative instagram filters. They all use orange amps like Sleep. I wonder if they like weed as much as Sleep. Oh shit, here comes a heavy ass breakdown. EVERYTHING YOU NEED!!! I just saw an ampeg amp. They all have strap locks. I wonder if they have a guarantee of $150 to play shows. The song is over. They're on In Vogue Records which is a cool name for a record label.

I went to The First-Sit Tight. They're in a field and a pool and the song starts out really slow and epic. Someone has a Norma Jean shirt and is bald. This song is so bad. They sound like a really bad local band that had 10,000 friends on MySpace and did regional tours once a month for 3 days at a time. There's a link to buy tickets for their UK tour in April, The tickets are free but you pay for transaction fees. I added a scrobbler to Chrome and I regret it right now. I want to turn the song off but I'm typing this. This is horrible. I just want it to stop. The story in the video is about someone breaking up or dying or something. Really stupid. The girlfriend/wife put all his stuff in a box and a picture broke and now she's crying and running down train tracks.

I went to We Start Partys-Seasons because it had the best name ever. The singer has a nose ring and bleach blond hair and stretched ears. He's standing in front of a wall. There's another singer doing some kinda cute vocals. Very poppy. He looks like he drinks a lot of milk. There's another singer who looks kinda cute, like he's in a frat. This is the danciest song. Very catchy chorus. This could be a guilty pleasure for someone if it wasn't so kinda bad. Oh shit! They did they thing where lights cover the screen but they're out of focus and look like circles. I love that. What's up with shitty bands using only Telecasters? The bridge sounds very Christian rock. I just want to raise my hands in praise of Jesus and parties right now. They have floodlights behind them in this video. Very cool. There's a little skit where a dude in the band runs into a girl and looks at her and they smile and it says “to be continued...” ooooh, possible romance?? This wasn't exactly easycore so I'm going to Believe You Me-Same Old Story.

It starts out really catchy. Using an SG. They're in a car garage with badass cars. The bass player did the double middle finger which I can respect. The singer has a beard. This song has a good beat. One dude has a nose ring but it's a stud. The same dude did double middle fingers. Definitely my favorite in this whole band. This song is really good. The singer has fucked up teeth and I think he knows it because he tries to cover it up with his microphone. I think they give him personality. If the singer is reading this he should embrace it. I really like this song. It's very generic but you do what you gotta do. I think the east coast is different when it comes to pop punk and easycore and stuff. I don't know how this article thing should be so I'm ending it with this song by You Vandal called Delta Beta Rush Week that has a lot of varsity fonts.

I'm so glad that easycore bros just embrace frats. They have Orange and Ampeg (I think). The singer reminds me of the dude in Saves the Day in the Shoulder To the Wheel video. It's a very fast, catchy and kinda good song. The lyrics seem really stupid. This whole video reminds me of a Harlem Shake video. “T-shirts, beer and cigarettes. Make friends at social events.” Cool lyrics. This video is so bad. It just kinda ended without warning. This was my failed descent into an easycore hell. Usually, I get trapped in this easycore bullshit for an hour, clicking links, feeling even more helpless until I end up on a blink 182 video or New Found Glory or something that I can feel a little better listening to. There's a bad video in the related videos so I think I'll do two more. I think this is how the easycore hell starts. You listen to a song. It sucks. You see a related video, you think it might suck. It does, but it's catchy. Before you know it you're 2 hours into bands that had their parents (maybe?) pay for nice videos and studio time.

I went to Captain! Captain! And the song called Don't Forget Your Lunch! It has a keyboard intro. The singer looks like he would skate and sell weed in highschool. The vocals are really bad. I think they're young though. A lot of pile ons in the video. They added too many dumb effects to the video. I really like the synth and that's really it. The guitars and drums sound kinda off. I have to stop doing this. I'm closing out of the video. This is the end. See ya.


JOJOFACE said...

this was very excellent, thank you for your thoughts. can i take this descent with you? seems kinda fun.

ansam said...

ew bro, ew. straight up vomit-inducing.